KT (orgyflake) wrote,

recent thoughts

It has been a truly long time. I always feel embarrassed for the things I have said in the past. I do feel that I need to start writing again. I am learning to not care what other people think, still. It is not beneficial for me to act elusive. I write for myself in a notebook at times but it has never flowed in the same consistency as this. I have made a lot of self-obsessed nonsensical rants about being angry and other people and menial things. Generally I have felt the same though. Social media has continuously and steadily made me feel the loneliness that I have expressed here.
I have always felt this sense of hatred towards classism. For a long time I wanted to be a part of capitalism in what I thought was a positive escape. I attached myself to this notion of being "better" than what I thought people prescribed me to. Yet, I had no understanding of where I stood or who I was. I just knew people were judging me. I wanted to leave for New York. Reading backwards, I felt a lot of jealousy and extreme misunderstanding for/from people I surrounded myself with. I wanted to have the same things that they had, but I was really angry. I also felt I wasn't worthy.
As social media has taken form, I feel that my anger has increased with time. I feel this depth of loneliness, or maybe it's more of a serious hopelessness. Not for wanting what others have but just an inability to see good or have interest in anyone/anything now. My surface attitude makes people dismiss what I have to say in person or online. Then, that makes me regress and get internally upset, without saying anything to other people for misunderstanding. People are more self righteous, less apt to hearing what anyone has to say and retreat back to the security of their own ego. Myself included. I am still in the same position I was, still struggling financially and constantly racing to pay the bills. Social media has escalated the notion that your image has to be linked to your professional life, your personal life and there is no more anonymity left in the internet. I am constantly asking myself "who am I?" I don't think I could even answer that. I hate how it is a question that people need answered. I am excessive and maximal and I like being many people and many things. Many identities describe how I feel. My job shouldn't be my identity. I don't relate to the minimal aesthetic of the elite. That aesthetic and upper-middle class reality is something I couldn't be less interested or impressed by. The circle perpetuates.
I have always struggled with image and identity and right now I have distanced myself a lot from it. I have felt a weird pressure to be more involved, more self-image based /involved because "that's what female artists do" and the other stuff "isn't that interesting" because overall females just aren't that interesting (supposedly.) It is a very weighty insecurity that has cemented a lot of my depression from my youth. The momentum of what is happening is a very sad representation of capitalist realism and our culture. It makes me feel upset but have a clear understanding of my younger self and what I have turned into. I now no longer wish to have the same things or be a part of that system --but all of the obsessions that I had are relative to it. All relative to a system that organizes peoples' worth based on interest / class / image. I've considered therapy but I realize that it is not all my fault and it's much more than looking into yourself or into your parents (who are also formed by the system). It is a political problem. Classism is real and the guilt and insecurities are not only my problem.

The more I distance myself and make messy constructed images the less interest people have in what I am trying to do. Which is also hard to accept, but the elitist gallery/social system is fueled from within, not an aspiration on any level. Even to be called an artist seems irrelevant to me. Making things for myself is all that I find interesting. I struggle to find a balance at times, I want to show people work but I don't think it's gratifying. There is no reaching other people without this effect of this fake "realism" and fleeting quick instances of satisfaction that people constantly need to feel. I have become a very anxious person that has a really difficult time seeing any reason to do anything or continue doing anything. Why be a part of it? Why do I sometimes want it/need this affirmation? I find it hard to even motivate myself at all most of the time.
I am working on a project with an internet friend from 1999 (Katie) to resurface an old chat platform that we met on that allows people to communicate with 2d avatars. I feel that it is necessary to bring this back into the light because I really can no longer communicate on the internet without a lot of cynicism. I need some sense of mystery or gradual interest in others, not this prison entry formal presentation of a person's life stats. I don't want people to know everything about me online, I don't want to have to post my political affiliations or be forced to like/ agree to something in this massive system of fake community. That people are "really doing something" by feeding into this social destruction. I would like to just have a conversation with a human being that isn't trying to prove they are a great person that lives a satisfying life or a cynical person obsessed with the worth of self image.
Simplifying things have never been my strong suit. I've always been embarrassed for who I am, and my reactionary traits. The embellishments and excessiveness. I accept that I am not well received, but all of the pressures of this new structure still bother me. It makes me feel so vulnerable and also like I know no one. I have regressed a lot, or maybe I am just more aware of people.
I am really excited about resurfacing this chat platform. It's really all that is keeping me interested at the moment. It isn't going to be easily but it will be worth it eventually.
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